Inner Child

I have made peace with my inner child. That lonely little girl who desperately yearn to be loved , to be held. To be wanted.
The little girl who found solace playing alone. No one to tease her, hidden within her world of dolls and books.

As this inner child's skin grew...her yearning became deeper. Accomplishing herself. Utilizing her drive, her motivations, as warped as they may have been, to rise to the top. To be the best. Not winning? What was that...not this chickie.
And as her skin grew around her fragile interior, the demon crept in. Eating away. Ingesting all of her worth.
That need to be. To be one of "them". To fit in. Believing in the fallacy that she needs to be accepted by "them". That search of love was misguided. A quest to "feel" loved. Having a twisted faith, that if she gave and poured her heart out that the void left would be filled. That muddy existence blurred. Escalated to dangerous/risky behavior. She fit in alright.

Coming to terms with this inner child inside, that little girl waving to me as I walk along. Whispering devilish prose in my sleep. Waking me to evil dances. Engaging my thoughts with temptuous delights. While she danced on moonbeams with that ever so contagious smile.

She gave into her too many times. Too many times her accomplishments led to her demise. And with each failure; this me, who she is today, grew stronger. {And for a time, building a wall. Surrounding herself, isolating herself. Keeping all at bay. No one gets in alive. It just hurt too much.}

I miss that child. Her innocence. Her zest. Her impulsiveness. Her LOVE of the world and life.
Yet she was unable to cope with the balance needed to survive.
Fighting and kicking the woman all the way.

I embrace the woman she became over the years. She still has growing to accomplish. Her path endless beyond the horizon.

Yeah, I have made peace with my inner child.

I sent her to bed. She's grounded.

Peace

.

Why nothing gets accomplished...

Why? Oh I don't know...

"Mom, Anna's touching me"

Anna don't touch your brother.
"Ma! Paul won't let me use the phone!"
Paul let your brother use the phone.
"Can Kyle, Casey, Mike,and Zach sleep over?"
WHAT?!
"Can Kyl--"
I heard what you said, Did you fall and hit your head or something? NO, they all can't sleep over.
"Why not?"
Not tonight
"Why not??"
Ask your father.
"I did, he said ask you"
Because.....errrr, I have things to get done.
"Like what?"
Excuse me?
"Mom"
What!
"Conner took the ball"
And?
"It's mine"
And?
"I was playing with it"
Paul please get your clothes from the basement
"Huh?"
The clothes...
"What about 'em"
**The Look**
"Sigh"
"Can I go to Trish's"
Yes please do
"Can I have ride to the mall"
When?
"Now"
Now?
"Now"
I guess.
"Mom! Conner hit me"
Conner please don't hit your sister.
"She bit me"
Anna....Did you bite your brother?
"No"
Anna!
"Daddy, Conner hit me"
"Mom, can we go?"
Yes, Paul we can, jus' a minute please
"Why does HE get to go to the mall?"
"Shut up Jeremy"
Paul, don't talk like that!
"Why can't I go?"
He's older.
"He's always older"
**Dumbfounded, confused look on mom's face. Need a minute to process**
"MOM!" **Crash**
What was that? Why is there cereal in the toilet? Nevermind I don't want to know.
"I'm hungry,can I have a snack?"
After lunch.
"I don't want lunch"
You just said you were hungry.
"I want a snack"
Just a minute.
"Can I have a drink?"
Yes
"I can't reach it"
Why not?
"I'm too short"
**That explains it** Take one out of the fridge.
"I don't want those"
Of course not. Be right there.
"Mom, Jeremy won't start the PS2"
Jeremy please start the PS2.
"Why?"
I asked you to?
"Paul never starts the PS2"
Does it matter? Please just start it for your brother
"Why can't Paul?"
I didn't ask Paul.
"Mommy?"
Yes Rhianna.
"Can I sit on your lap?"
Yes Anna.
"What's that?"
Keyboard
"what's that?"
Mouse
"How come?"
Because.
"What's that?"
Pictures.
"Birds?"
Birds.
"Mom!"
WHAT!
"Can I have a grilled cheese?
I thought you didn't want lunch?
"I'm hungry"
Why aren't the dishes done?
**Silence**
Hello? Why aren't the dishes done?
"I don't know"
It wasn't a question.
"Sounded like one"
Stop Running!
"Mom!"
Yes *sigh*
"Can we play outside?
It's too cold ou-...Yes Yes you play outside. Outside is good!
"Mom?"
Whatttttttttttttttt.
"I love you, you're the best"
Thanks Anna, you too!

This is why I can't get anything done!!! LOL. This was just in the course of an hour LOL. Welcome to my world. Is it bedtime yet??

Riptide

Riptide...

Living our lives with such a freedom, such a flowing existence. Wading out in the water. Floating. The water surrounds us, unknown to our bodies the amount of pressure that is being exerted on us. We swim freely, out farther and farther. Not paying attention to where we are, or where we are headed.
The air, salty to our nostrils.
We take that look behind us, realizing we have drifted. Too far out.
We begin to swim back, only to realize we've been pulled out. So caught up in the moment. Caught up and knowing the consequences, we continued. Not a care in the world. We werent doing anything wrong.
Now, we struggle against the tide. The harder we push forward the tighter the hold. The panic. The fear.
Legs kick harder. Arms struggle more, getting tired.
Our thoughts slam, panic, anxiety at full throttle. Desparately we swim for shore, going nowhere. Going nowhere fast.
Air comes shorter, as we bob with the sea. The free floating, now an endeavor of a lifetime, just to stay above water. There is no voice to be heard. The mind is too occupied with keeping the body afloat. One attempt to scream, our words stifled by the salty water invading our lungs.
The momentary clarity, as your eyes look to the sunsetting out over the horizon...Will this be the last? A calm surges throughout my immediate existence.....
.... Giving up. Giving in. Letting the battle be won.
Letting your body just drift. Hoping to float endlessly in this peace that washes over. Your mind escapes to lands, far far away.
The tide has won.
In the cold, lonely water, the numbness of your toes, your fingers...is all you dont feel.
A realization.
The tide has ceased to pull and push. Within your submission, the tide and all its anger, also relented.
Free. Free from the riptide. Free from the demons that plague one's mind. The fatigue suddenly slides away, to give you room, for the stretch to shore.
The struggle no more.
The suffocation, those desparate gasps for air. Any air. As you lift your tired bones from the water, collapsing upon the sand. Sucking in air, hard and heavy. Just thankful to be alive.
Looking out to that horizon as the sun gives it final bow of the day.
Ever so thankful. To come out on the otherside. To be embraced within all that pain and all that beauty.
She made me see, she made me feel, deep to my core and within my psyche. All of that power, all of that angst, all of what she is...She showed me...I am alive. And she wanted me to remember. And never..
ever,
Forget.
I won't.
I can't.



Peace

Catch ya'll on the otherside!