In the Hue of Blue

On a bright September afternoon, the warmth of not only the sun on my skin, yet words spoken.
Promises given.
A soft light chatter.
And you.

Days were numbered.
Words counted.

As if time stood still. And yesterday was now.
So much has filled the days. All good and fulfilling.
And still the grayness hovers.

I knelt in the wet grass and sought out some comfort. Long has it been since I have sat in this spot. Fifteen years to be exact.
I broke that promise today.
The reasons for not, are not just for promises.
For the reality comes.
Comes heavy.

"Do not kneel at my grave. Do not cry, for I am not there."
No you are not.
Compelled today, to seek this out. To touch the stone, to read the name.
To weep.

concrete.

A day of glee with the children, for the impending night of frolic is at hand. Which shall distract me.
Enough.

Ghosts and goblins all in their best. Behind the outward smile...a bit of tears to escape.

I wish to find the right...words. To put it all in it's place.

Dad...I miss you.


GVO October 31, 1930- October 27 1994

143
Josephine

A background story I share: Remembering Spanky

Inner Child

I have made peace with my inner child. That lonely little girl who desperately yearn to be loved , to be held. To be wanted.
The little girl who found solace playing alone. No one to tease her, hidden within her world of dolls and books.

As this inner child's skin grew...her yearning became deeper. Accomplishing herself. Utilizing her drive, her motivations, as warped as they may have been, to rise to the top. To be the best. Not winning? What was that...not this chickie.
And as her skin grew around her fragile interior, the demon crept in. Eating away. Ingesting all of her worth.
That need to be. To be one of "them". To fit in. Believing in the fallacy that she needs to be accepted by "them". That search of love was misguided. A quest to "feel" loved. Having a twisted faith, that if she gave and poured her heart out that the void left would be filled. That muddy existence blurred. Escalated to dangerous/risky behavior. She fit in alright.

Coming to terms with this inner child inside, that little girl waving to me as I walk along. Whispering devilish prose in my sleep. Waking me to evil dances. Engaging my thoughts with temptuous delights. While she danced on moonbeams with that ever so contagious smile.

She gave into her too many times. Too many times her accomplishments led to her demise. And with each failure; this me, who she is today, grew stronger. {And for a time, building a wall. Surrounding herself, isolating herself. Keeping all at bay. No one gets in alive. It just hurt too much.}

I miss that child. Her innocence. Her zest. Her impulsiveness. Her LOVE of the world and life.
Yet she was unable to cope with the balance needed to survive.
Fighting and kicking the woman all the way.

I embrace the woman she became over the years. She still has growing to accomplish. Her path endless beyond the horizon.

Yeah, I have made peace with my inner child.

I sent her to bed. She's grounded.

Peace

.

Once Lost

There are times when we all feel lost. Lost in a world that doesn't recognize that we are not okay. My travels have not been without these moments. Looking back is not a horrible thing. Looking back should be part of that movement forward. Gazing out with a slight touch of THEN, or taking that hard stance and picking over every single little moment, is all good. It affords us those moments, of a realization of where we were and where we ARE.
Movement. Forward.
Looking back at some hidden files of mine, I made a discovery. I found Old Old writings. As I sat and read them, I even wondered if they were mine. "Did I really write that?"
Example:

"Some clarity.
I have come to some realization that this little dirt path of mine sucks. I am getting off it. Making a turn. Now.
My meanderings have taken me way off course. Feeding my head with poisons, so toxic I may have really gone too far.
My search is not ending or will it ever be finished, it just needs to take on a different direction. A healthier one.
Having a hollow that we perceive has needing to be filled, we engage in a thought process that can be debilitating. Seeking that something more. Bah.
I know now what I need is change. A new.
Emersing my mind in behavior unbecoming TO ME. Justifying that it is painless. It is okay. It is not.
Denial. Evil demon filled word. It eats away at the flesh until it gets to the core, then there is no turning back. There is nothing left to turn back to.
I have made denials all my life. Living in this world of my perception. Yeah, it got me through. Yet wasnt true.
I expect honesty from others...One would think I's start with myself. Be honest with myself. Observations upon my character, hurt. The truth does. Hence, I denied they existed. Leading me deeper into a world of half truths.
During this little jouney the past few months I have gained an enormous amount of knowledge about myself. Part of this little get to know me session has been destructive. Part of it a great learning experience, still it seethes with negativity.
That last mask is there, waiting to be removed. It may do so on its own. No matter how much I resist it. Actions have lead to the moment I have lost control. I can regain it, I am aware. Yet I sit on the edge here and really there is only one way off. I just hope its not too late.
My personality, my whole make up, has run on extremes. It is black or it is white. No gray. I just ran into the gray. I dont like it. I dont find it enjoyable. I pushed, I pushed and I pushed that envelope. Bursting through, as I always do. Stepped right into this world, unfamiliar, unknown. I dont have a clue what to do with it.
I have never been able to just do a simple task, any endeavor I have ever engaged in, just gets taken to the next step, then the next until there are no more stairs. I want to just jump, to float endlessly.
Chaos. I create it. I thrive on it. I despise it.
Whatever comes out of this, I know I can not change it. I can no longer perserverate on it.
I do know where I want to be, I am there, physically. I just need the mind to catch up.
I need to begin to forgive myself. Walk away from the bubble of what I thought I was looking for in this quest. I have found it doesnt exist. It is not tangible. Why? It is an abstract idealism. A goal I have set up for myself that is unobtainable. Unreachable.
This has been fed by the lack of self esteem. Lack of self respect. Lack of self confidence. And Yes Flava, lack of self love. In my search for all of those, I perversed it. Thinking and temporarily sated with the attention. {Just so ya'll know THAT was a hard admission}.
To heal now, I am going to take my lumps. I am walking off the path. Beginning a new. I must. If I don't do it now, I may never.
I am so exhausted of being lost."

People have asked me what my Defining moments are/were, and I truly come up blank. And yet when I look back ad read...I would have to say those moments are locked up. They have been lived, they heaved and at times seethed. I relive them only to keep the perspective. To remain on the path that is now. Reliving, picking them apart, opening those long locked boxes to appreciate where I stand.
Yes I wrote that.
Yes I made those admissions.
Am I still lost?
Getting closer to the focus than I was before...

*art by rabidpescatore