Tuesday, October 27, 2009

In the Hue of Blue

On a bright September afternoon, the warmth of not only the sun on my skin, yet words spoken.
Promises given.
A soft light chatter.
And you.

Days were numbered.
Words counted.

As if time stood still. And yesterday was now.
So much has filled the days. All good and fulfilling.
And still the grayness hovers.

I knelt in the wet grass and sought out some comfort. Long has it been since I have sat in this spot. Fifteen years to be exact.
I broke that promise today.
The reasons for not, are not just for promises.
For the reality comes.
Comes heavy.

"Do not kneel at my grave. Do not cry, for I am not there."
No you are not.
Compelled today, to seek this out. To touch the stone, to read the name.
To weep.


A day of glee with the children, for the impending night of frolic is at hand. Which shall distract me.

Ghosts and goblins all in their best. Behind the outward smile...a bit of tears to escape.

I wish to find the right...words. To put it all in it's place.

Dad...I miss you.

GVO October 31, 1930- October 27 1994


A background story I share: Remembering Spanky

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Friday, October 16, 2009

Biking for MS

The National MS Society sponsors 100 bike events to raise funds for MS. All of the participating bikers have one destination — A World Free from MS! Sounds like a place I would like to go there one day. How about you?

My friend, my college roommate many years ago, has a friend who was ready to bike, so she dedicated her ride to me. We met only online. Georgia sent these fabulous pictures of her with her New Orleans team on their ride. Unfortuneately, they were unable to complete the ride as scheduled because of Louisiana's famous weather. Too bad.

They had fun and MS appreciates their contribution. Thanks, Georgia Kobos Thomas!

Saturday, October 3, 2009

Inner Child

I have made peace with my inner child. That lonely little girl who desperately yearn to be loved , to be held. To be wanted.
The little girl who found solace playing alone. No one to tease her, hidden within her world of dolls and books.

As this inner child's skin grew...her yearning became deeper. Accomplishing herself. Utilizing her drive, her motivations, as warped as they may have been, to rise to the top. To be the best. Not winning? What was that...not this chickie.
And as her skin grew around her fragile interior, the demon crept in. Eating away. Ingesting all of her worth.
That need to be. To be one of "them". To fit in. Believing in the fallacy that she needs to be accepted by "them". That search of love was misguided. A quest to "feel" loved. Having a twisted faith, that if she gave and poured her heart out that the void left would be filled. That muddy existence blurred. Escalated to dangerous/risky behavior. She fit in alright.

Coming to terms with this inner child inside, that little girl waving to me as I walk along. Whispering devilish prose in my sleep. Waking me to evil dances. Engaging my thoughts with temptuous delights. While she danced on moonbeams with that ever so contagious smile.

She gave into her too many times. Too many times her accomplishments led to her demise. And with each failure; this me, who she is today, grew stronger. {And for a time, building a wall. Surrounding herself, isolating herself. Keeping all at bay. No one gets in alive. It just hurt too much.}

I miss that child. Her innocence. Her zest. Her impulsiveness. Her LOVE of the world and life.
Yet she was unable to cope with the balance needed to survive.
Fighting and kicking the woman all the way.

I embrace the woman she became over the years. She still has growing to accomplish. Her path endless beyond the horizon.

Yeah, I have made peace with my inner child.

I sent her to bed. She's grounded.



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