Thursday, August 27, 2009

Thank goodness for Friends...

As you may have noticed I haven't been on here in a while...ok, it's been a long while. My friend helped me set up this web site. Then I forgot know to get back in to it...Yep, the MS and my memory are friends. I think they must have a great file system I still haven't figured out because now things go into my brain but don't anyway come out the same way. Let just say the messages must be written in crayon by someone who doesn't speak English.

Finally I remembered to ask the same wonderful friend to help me get back on...It's great to have friends that will help when you need it and not laugh to much. Plus another friend helped me clean my back room and we are doing a yard. I'm trying to learn about "life is a river" things must flow through. This means use it and pass it on! Thank you my friends!!!

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Dear Muse......

Dear Muse,
I am writing you this letter to....ummm to

Dear Muse,
Hey how are ya? How is life? Way the hell over there? I am writing you this little -

Dear Muse,
Greetings from my brain. I just wanted to jot down this note to inform you of my missing. disdain. frustration irritation and every other dang word under this yellow orb and blue sky!

And yet, in my own little reflection, I take ownership. I can admit my flaws. Yes to yot more so than anybody else. I will take my fall for this failed relationship. I can totally understand why you choose to stay away. Ignoring my pleas to return.

I dont let you be you.
I get that.
I sat outside today, during my lunch. I miss you more than ever. My heart feels empty without you.
And all i have ever asked was why?

The thoughts have passed and all the reasonings followed.(Read that excuses). I own it.

For the first time in, oh say 38 years, I have no real desire to write. In any fashion. Sounds so simple. So easily remedied, doesnt it?
Alas it is not. There is so much attached to that thought.
38 years.
I have always written. Always. In some fashion. Free and paid. For desire, for want, for need, for it was me and I was it.
Now, I feel like a lost child.
It is not just writer's block. It is not burn out.
A wee little girl writing, more like scribbling, fulfilling her every whim on paper with ink.
Grown into...

To what?

A grown little girl who had a passion for words, for the story, for it all.
Usually when you lose something, its in the last place you look. I feel so empty and yet my life is just so full.
THat space and that time, the zone? Has moved on. Is that it? You have found another to fulfill your needs?
Inspiration is...lax. None. I feel very uninspired. Can this be so true? That the words would finally leave me? That I would have nothing left to offer?

That sitting here is punishment and the affair is over?

I dont know quite where to go with this emotion. For it is new. I have never felt so alone and abandoned.
I even turned down an opportunity to read and edit for a script.
No desires.

This is not all you, my dear wonderful muse. I would suppose it has been very demanding. Truly your time away in all these years has been few, and your stays away short.

I have also put constraints on you. I realize this.
The carefree, freaky- free spirited child, told to mind her p's&q's.
Letting others dictate what I(you) write or how I(you) write. Letting the statistics hinder any progress. To deluge the mind with worries, where you never had one.
Your freedom, stinted.
That double edged sword. Writing to write, for oneself. And yet wanting to share. TO more than just a few.
We did that.
We did it well for a bit.

Then we ventured out, added a few new topics to the curriculum, as we are made up of more than just benign soft and sweet thought provoking words.
We are full of substance, yes?
We are more than what one may read. One lousy opinionated post. A moment in time totaled of only minutes. And people begin to drop off.
No sweat correct...
and again and more leave...

Left to wonder of what really should be written. Silliness and rants. Yes yes we are powerful with our angry words. We are intrigued by the thoughts of philosophy. Of course we enjoy a good chuckle, now and again.

Limited. Feeling suffocated.

I get this.

I now understand why.

As the sun burned quick on my skin, a feeling of comfort comes from such- the sounds, that once were my inspiration, the smells the commonality.
The bench in which you sat, now empty.

My dearest Muse, I am not begging you. I can no longer grovel, or even entice you to return to my embrace.

Just the time we had was so

so bittersweet.

with love,




Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Didn't I just do this? Oh...yes a year ago...


There is the gnawing reflection of who stares back at me. A little wiser, through mistakes and plain stupidity. There is this face with a few more laugh lines and laugh I do.
Underneath, behind this woman who stares at me, is still that inner child. She still exists.

Being afforded the time to take a gander back and immerse ones self in all that is good.
Remembering where one was in relation to where one the moment.

This past year has been a huge 'growth' spurt. More emotionally. More of "that chatter in the matter".

With this reflection, of the passing year, I can come out the otherside, with a calm feeling. One with a taste of serenity.
Oh, there is still strife, those little things that just claw from the inside just wanting to unleash at the world. That wants to rip the inner sanctum of the self to shreds.
And yet one trudges on fighting the good fight. Muck and all.

Today I reflect on those who have and are the ones who have given me life. In one form or another.
I am not an overly religious individual. At least not by the standards of society. I do not assign myself one name over another.
Yet I carry a faith with me and it has no name. It just is.

On this day, as everyday, I want to revel in the moments of a life...
With gratitude. With contentment.
And I am all and more.

As these years zoom by, these reflections spin more frequently. With more intensity.
The realization of "Hey wait a minute I just did this a year ago!"...well didn't I?
My heart has been humbled. My heart has filled with joy. And not a damn day goes by that I don't relay this to those I hold close. To those I find a connection.
And to those who found one with me.

Many expect 'things', many wait for 'things' to occur, to be given.
Not me. Not today.

I want to give to those who have given me laughter, tears and the rawness of life.
For without them, there would be no me.
The obvious is my parents. Well duh...
To the one who still makes my heart skip a beat, yes to this very day(20 years now as of Wednesday).
And to my children, who everyday remind me just how sweet life is...
"Living in Sway"....everyday grabbing those moments keeping them as fresh as one can, for the day will come when one loses that memory, cluttered on and on with another.
To my friends..the few I grip tightly to and "get me". Understand and still stick around.

ANd to all of you I have come to know, or get to know even if it is just through words. Inspirations, dreams, aspirations to be a better person, life, love, laughter and to be placed in the world of Humble, all through your eyes(words)...
I thank you.

Two words for me, that sum up the whole: Contentment and Gratitude.

I will always seek that "Peace". Having been asked numerous times, is there any moment in my life, where I can place peace?
No...I have come to accept this as my quest. I have come to accept that Peace will come when I lay my head down and my eyes will no longer see light.
I am content with this and I am grateful I have what I have, who I have and I wouldn't change a thing. Not one iota.

I ask for nothing. I desire none. No trinkets, no treasures, no baubles at all. No new shiny things to make me go Ahhh...
All I require is reciprocation. No acknowledgment, except Time. I have all I need, right here and now.

To the old, to the new, to those to come, I welcome it all.

All in a Reflection of one passing year.

* 1,388,437,953 seconds-where does the time go?


And to those wondering, my silence is not due to any depression or anything other than...L-I-F-E. I am well, quite well in fact. I have been reading EVERY.SINGLE. Blog on my side bar, that still exists...I have...I just haven't time to dialogue. ~ Peace it was more a statement for myself, and to share, yet not necessarily one I seek comments(The 'happy bdays'...I wasn't seeking them...) ;)

Friday, August 21, 2009


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The Apple

Attend the keening of the night,
let the shadows come alive,
to speak through masks of gossamer
the Truth for which we strive.

They might weep for pasts constrained
by characterological lies,
and hide in thoughts of oracles
yet in Gods our hope belies.

Repress, obsess, depress, aggress
our defenses gone awry,
the gift in Eden’s apple
ego’s death can’t be denied.


Saturday, August 1, 2009

I Am So Lucky

Merely Me asks a question of the week on her MS site located on Health Central. This week the question is What are you grateful for today? She always gets interesting answers, each totally different than the one before. This is worth reading. Here is my answer to this week's question:

This is a great question because it makes us think beyond our usual inconveniences and pain. What a good topic for those of us who live every day with a chronic condition; actually gratitude is a good thinking mode for all of us.

At one time (when I was a viewer), Oprah suggested everyone keep a gratitude journal. We were to list three things we are grateful for every day. Many of my items were repeats day after day.

There are only so many big things, and then circumstances took away the one about the US not involved in active war, so there are fewer big things. Then I started thinking of small things. I am still thankful for big things like health, family and friends, but now I find pleasure in successfully completing a tasty dinner.

Each day when I smile or laugh for any reason, I am grateful. When I hear my son (either or both) is happy, or talk with a giggling grandchild, I am grateful. When my foot is in the right position, I am grateful. There are so many things, some relating to my MS and some not; there are tiny miracles throughout the day and I know I am lucky.

I feel grateful that I am so lucky.